rejection.

July 3, 2019

feeling of rejection is definitely not a positive feeling.  recently, i experienced a rejection that i haven’t experienced in a long time.  i was sucked up in the life of motherhood that i almost have forgotten about it.  i already know that in order to “succeed”, i need to experience failures and mistakes.  but what is success? who defines it? the rich people? what makes me successful in life? who is telling me i am successful?  am i successful?…

if i look at social media, tv programs, and/or advertisements, i can see a lot of people who look they succeeded. they rarely show about their failures and mistakes. so i m thinking i can’t never be successful like them.  how can i compete with these people?  i would feel i am never enough to succeed in this field.  they look so happy and their lives are so fulfilled.  why can i be like them? i want to feel successful and fulfilled.  why i can reach their level?  can i be part of your group or collective?  yes, i sound desperate.

at the end of the day, i gotta remind myself that i define my own success.  i define my own failure.  because whether if i fail or succeed, they are all part of my life.  i am never gonna feel satisfied in life if i start comparing to others and start losing my authenticity, conviction and passion.  good and bad will come in life.  accept it.  everyone goes through this.  happy pictures on social media can’t define my success and failures.  don’t let it linger in my ass when ignorance and rejection hit me.   it’s not worth my time and energy.   life is more than failures and successes.  life is not just about how i feel and what i see.

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recently i had a chance to watch a short tedx talk about women having their own personal choices.  from this video, i learned that women are not born to bear children.  their purpose in life is not to get pregnant and give births.  being a mother is a choice.  a woman’s own very personal choice.  the society cannot decide for them if they want or can have children or not.

in reflection of this video, i noticed that since i became a mother, i have encountered with some women, mostly mothers and wives, who i really think, are living a very suppressed and submissive lives under their spouses’ roof.  i sensed that they have lost their voices and are living their marriage life where mutual respect and responsibilities and expectations are non-existent and.or based on shit.  i sensed they have emotionally numbed themselves.  for example, when a woman is sharing about her everyday life about situations that happens with her spouse and children, i can observe how her spouse is treating her in a way it really sounds disrespectful, dishonoring and unappreciative.  however, i also observe that she is sharing with me as if nothing is wrong with a particular situation even though i can clearly see that something is very wrong there about how her spouse’s behavior towards her.   when i experience this kinds of situations, i feel very frustrated and just angry for her on how she is not able to speak up for her rights, human rights, and her needs.

i am realizing that i feel this anger and sadness because i grew up watching my own mother being submissive to my father, and her submissiveness and “obedience” to my father was never questioned.  my mother basically sucked all the bullshit up, pile by pile, from my father because of us (my sister and i).  i saw her sacrifice and i am forever deeply grateful for raising me of who i am now.   at the same time, i wonder what would have happened if my mother spoke up about her desires and needs, and face up her issues with him.   would her life be more fulfilling and happier if her marriage was healthier and balanced?  would she still be with us rather than dying of cancer 10 years ago?

even though, it was never my plan to dream about being a mother, i have no regrets of having my daughter in my life.  my life is not perfect, and it will never be, especially my marriage life.   marriage life is work. work in process, especially with communicating with my partner.  i had no idea that maintaining a healthy marriage life involves a lot of talking and listening.   life never gets easier but one of many things i am thankful for is that my partner respects my choices and i respect his choices.  he respected my choice of having one child and did not demand me to have more children because it is “my duty” as a woman to bear children.   i come to realize (again…) that i cannot change other people’s lives.  ultimately it is their choice to change if they are willing.  what i can do is be present with them and actively listen.  what i can do is educate and guide my child to grow up to be a woman who can make her own independent choices.   she has choices, and  she has every right to make her own personal choices in her life that she thinks it is best for her.  i am still learning to make my own choices that i think it is best for me and not best for others.  i am learning that it is ok to be selfish in order to take care of myself.  my choices are important and need to be valued.  i hope and pray someday all the women in the world can do the same.  life in progress.

i have been living as a mother of my daughter for about 5 years now, and a lot has changed since then.  i remember back when i was in 20s that i wanted to become somebody, someone who can make a difference in the world, fight for justice and help people in need.  i was focused and determined, and ready to fulfill “my dream”.  And then i got married, and gave birth to my beautiful daughter, and my life, my priorities, have drastically changed.  i thought all these years of education and experience have gone to shit.  a total waste.  did i go through all these years of studying and working so that i can become a good mother?  my life became about my daughter.  my life circled around her well being and needs and just basically to manage my house.

so in other for me to find balance in my life i decided to further my knowledge other than solely focusing of being a full time housewife/homemaker and now new addition to my role, a school parent.  i thought i needed to prove myself that i am more than just a mother and wife.  childbirth international helped me find my new interest and sparkle in my life.  i studied again, and i learned a new level of self-discipline and time-management that i never knew i could achieve.  now i am patiently waiting for a right opportunity to come so that i can help support two births to complete my certification.  i never thought i could come this far.

i realized my dream is still active, and somehow, i am already fulfilling it little by little.  everyday, i am making a difference in the world by making conscious choices.  i am staying curious and have a desire of knowing more about the world and reminding myself there is more than just making money and advancing in my career.  i am helping others and trying really hard by being kind to my neighbors, and being available to others if they need a listening ear.  i am learning to let things flow and continue to discover who i am to myself and who i want to be.  definitely life in progress.

. i wish there was a manual about about parenthood.
. is this right or wrong? there is definitely many grey areas in raising a kid.
. conversing, lecturing or just straight forward nagging? i gotta know the difference.
. my child definitely has selective listening skills…just like me.
. overthought anxiety is not worth it.  so stop worrying.  she is doing fine.
. we whine all the time, why we get so bothered from a child whining? let us all whine freely.
. my husband’s constant reminder: “stop it, you are a good mother.”
. the more i know, more i feel dumb.
. endless questions.  “i dont know ezri…”
. why are you so happy?
. i am not just a mother. i am not just a wife.  i am many things.
. managing a house is still a management.  it is a job no one recognizes and no one notices but still gotta be done.  somebody gotta do the laundry. just do it. mostly me.
. shared responsibility: one of my house’s rules.  i aint doing all the housework, are you crazy?
. one of main stresses/tasks:  what to pack for lunch today.
. most important part of the day: drink a shot of whiskey and watch netflix.